TBD TBC

What does it mean to be a part of Team Bad Decisions?

There. Are. No. Right. Decisions.

Every decision results in a worse result no matter what choice is made

Success is hanging from a string

Just when it brushes my fingertips

It’s nudged just a hair’s breadth away

It doesn’t matter. If. I. Leap.

It doesn’t matter. How. I. Try.

It doesn’t matter. When. I. Relax.

I drop

I fail

I break

Happiness is balanced on a pin

Just when I’ve found the balance

It shifts, the needle lodged within my heart

It doesn’t matter. If. I. Squeeze.

It doesn’t matter. If. I. Shift.

It doesn’t matter. If. I. Release.

I crack

I stick

I fall

Hopefully this clears it up

If not just watch

This is all on display

Just don’t watch to long or you’ll become a part of the team

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Cast Adrift upon a bottomless sea (Styrofoam Dream)

Cast adrift in a bottomless sea

Grasping to a styrofoam dream

Gripping tight this last gasp

One more glimpse at the sky

Dehydration 

With exhaustion

Followed by Frostbite

Was that a nudge against my leg? 

Fingers raisins

Final flex

I let go

Descending 

Sinking into fathomless depths

farewell life preserver

The sun a fading star 

in a rippled sky

Darkness descending now

Was that a passing cloud?

Blindness

And flailing

Lungs aflame 

A final lunge and thrust

I’m bitten

And wrenched apart

Teeth

So many teeth

Good bye, Thank You

There’s a tattoo on my brain

It’s in the shape of your name

Unconsciously poking at it

Probing for that missing tooth

Every time it hits the nerve

I sink into self doubt

My negative self talk screams

I am not worthy

I do not deserve

I am a

I am not

Weeks we spent in constant contact

Washed away with no warning

Choosing the healthy path I walk away

Reality rears it’s head and laughs

My negative self talk screams

I am not worthy of

I do not deserve this

I am a burden

I am not worth it

Our interactions become unimportant

Doxers harassing me

A close friend is homeless

My brother is dying

My child is sick

While I wish you were here to support me like I was there for you

I am screaming

I am not worthy of this

I do not deserve this

I am not a burden

I am not worthy of your

Consider this your eviction notice

There’s no more room inside my head

I only wish the best for you

I hope you get the help you need

Good bye

I am not worthy of this treatment

I do not deserve this neglect

I am not a burden

I am not worthy of your disdain

Day at the zoo

I’m just better off viewed from a safe distance

Don’t feed the animal, he’ll want to interact

Stay behind the fencing or risk loss of life and limb

Please don’t pet him behind the ears, he’ll think he deserves affection

Keep the windows rolled up, hands on the wheel, and eyes straight ahead

Please don’t make eye contact, he doesn’t deserve the respect

Thank you for confirming all of these understandings

Please be safe and continue along your journey

Saying the loud parts quiet

I hope you enjoy your silence

A world without my sounds

I only meant to bring you happiness

But it seems I was too loud

I hope you enjoy the blank space

No more images from me

My only hope was to brighten your life

But it seems I was too loud

Now I’ll walk on tip-toe

Every effort not to disturb

I’ll strictly curate my output

Leaving the excess at the curb

Forest of one

Demanding as a child,

I wait for each reply,

Constantly looking for validation,

Dreaming of the day,

You’ll never go away,

Pushing you away with every action.

Resplendent as a new day,

Someone new with whom to share,

Effervesce as the interests begin to rise

Sharing causing tingles of excitement,

Overflowing from me,

A flood of attention and desire

Unfurling like a bud blossoming,

All my truths spill out

Exposing my core

Rotten with the desperate need to fit in

The flies gather at the feast

A gluttony of spoiled ego

Drifting as if a leaf from a tree

Settling to the detritus below

Another friendship left to decay

Adding to the soil

Smothering each glimmer of hope

While building up the tree to stand alone

Crushing like the Earth on Atlas’s back

My need for attention builds up

Smothering any interest

Self destructive inclinations reinforcing what I know

I’m a burden, I’m overwhelming, I’m too much

I shouldn’t inflict me upon anyone

Star Blind

There’s no place for me here

My rounded curves getting cut by the jagged edges of your pieces

Every moment I’m here, I bleed

This isn’t my time to shine

My Photalgia driving stardom’s spotlight spikes deep into my mind’s eye

Every moment im here, I’m blind

Why is it I who must give up his sight?

Why is it I who must give up his dreams?

Why is it I who must keep giving?

While you Take

And you Take

And you Take

Moebius Trip

6 years to a 6 year old feels like forever,
6 years to a 60 year old goes by in a flash,
The longer life lasts, the shorter it feels.
The more time that’s passed, the shorter the reels.

A year in the corporate rat race flies by so quick.
A year within prison passes so slow in the thick.
Unfocused, experience passes through like oil through a sieve.
Time with no purpose,  the experience leaves but a residue.

A day for an addict is a string of flashes in the pan, a short snort, a quick nip.
The same day to a counselor, a stitched together quilt of recovery visits.
Filling the day seeking to fill an imagined hole.
Whether in one’s self or trying to help another feel whole.

That glorious moment of birth, first light, first breath, first scream.
The sweet second of death, last shudder, last gasp, last scene.
One closing the loop of the other, making partial complete.
Both a part of the same strip running from eyes alight to the last lids droop.

Goilem

I am the Goilem
I wait for your command
You take me and you leave me
As only you can

Crush the gem
Burn the scroll smash your mirror
Free
My
Soul

Living your life
As free as a bird
Casting your bidding
Into the visage of your mirror

I am a cyclops
The emerald in my forehead
Casting its pale light
Guiding my way

Crush the gem
Burn the scroll smash your mirror
Free
My
Soul

You mold me with your will
Shape me as only you do
The mouldy scroll
Giving me life

Crush the gem
Burn the scroll smash your mirror
Free
My
Soul

Living my life
As dumb as a rock
Wrapped in clay
Soaked in mud

Crush the gem
Burn the scroll smash your mirror
Free
My
Soul

I am the Goilem
Crawling back to you
Drying clay crumbling
Each step an act of surrender

Lingering spirits

There’s a picture of 3 ghosts beside my bed,
A mother, a daughter and a dad,
They look like nice people,
So happy and alive,
I can almost place their names,
It’s all right there in my head,
But maybe I’m wrong,
I often am.

I think i knew them once,
Lives spreading out before them,
All the doors were open,
All the lights were green,
Always smiling,
Never dying.

There’s a picture of two ghosts beside my bed,
I think of them every day,
A man and woman leaning together on a concrete bench,
Surrounded by nature and beauty,
Backs to the camera,
I remember them happy,
But maybe I’m wrong,
I often am.

I think i knew you once, perhaps it’s just a dream, 
Future memories of holding elderly hands,
Walking through the store,
Guiding through doors,
Shuffling on floors,
Always smiling.